Great Catholics: Saint Teresa on Keeping Good Company

Selection from Life of Saint Teresa written by herself and translated by John Dalton

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Hl. Therese von Avila (1615) by Peter Paul Rubens

Chapter II

She relates how she began to be fond of reading romances, and how necessary it is for youth to keep good company.

It seems to me that a certain circumstance, which I will now relate, began to do me great harm. I sometimes consider what evil those parents commit, who do not always endeavor to show their children every kind of good example; for though (as I have already mentioned) my mother was very particular in this respect, yet, when I arrived at the use of reason, I did not follow her good example as much as I ought to have done, and, indeed, hardly at all; while, on the other hand, whatever was bad did me much harm. She was particularly fond of reading books of romance [i.e., knight-errantry], though she did not imbibe so much evil by this entertainment as I did, because it did not hinder her usual work, but it made us omit many duties, that so we might read these books. And perhaps my mother read them, that thus her thoughts might riot dwell on the great troubles she endured, and her children might so occupy themselves as not to fall into other more dangerous things. My father, however, was so particular on this point, that great care was taken lest he should know anything on the subject. But I continued in the habit of reading these books, and this slight fault of mine, which I perceived in myself, began to cool my good desires, and was the cause of my failing in other things. I fancied, however, there was no harm, though I spent many hours, both of the day and night, in so vain an exercise, unknown to my father. But I was so addicted to this habit, that if I could not obtain some new book, it seemed to me I could not be happy.

I began also to wear fine clothes, and to desire to appear handsome. I took great care of my hands and of my hair, and was fond of perfumes, together with all those vanities which I was able to obtain, which were many; for I was very curious in this respect. I had, however, no bad intention, because I would not wish any one to offend God on my account.

This over-great nicety about finery and neatness continued some time; and hence, those things which for many years appeared to be no sin whatever, I now see how evil they were.

I had certain cousins-german who frequently came to my father's house; and these only were admitted, for my father was very prudent and circumspect, and would to God he had been so in regard to those likewise, for I now see the danger there is, in an age when virtues are to be planted in the soul, to converse with persons who, not knowing the vanity of the world, are the more inclined to excite others to throw them selves into it. They were almost of the same age as myself, or rather a little older; we were always together, they had a great affection for me, and in all things I gave them pleasure. I kept alive the conversation, and listened to the success of their marriage-proposals, and such other fooleries that are good for nothing; but what is still worse, my soul became exposed to that which was the cause of her evils. If I could advise parents, I would entreat them to take great care what kind of persons their children converse with at that age, for great mischief may thence arise, since our nature is more inclined to evil than to good. Thus it happened to me.

I had a sister much older than myself, whose purity and goodness I highly esteemed, though I profited nothing by them; but I received much harm from a relation of mine, who frequented the house. Her conversation was so light, that my mother did all in her power to prevent her coming to the house, (she appeared to foresee the evil that was to come on me;) but yet, the excuses of entering were so plausible, that my mother could not refuse her. With this person, (as I have said,) I delighted to entertain myself; with her I held conversations and intercourse, because she helped me to pass away the time in everything I wished, and she even enticed me into them, and gave me an account of her conversations and vanities. Up to the time when I began to be so familiar with her, (I was then about fourteen years old, and I think a little more,) that she made me acquainted with all her affairs; I do not think I had offended Almighty God by any mortal sin, nor ever lost his fear, though I dreaded more the loss of my honor. This had power over me, so as to prevent me from losing it altogether; and I think that no consideration in the world could have made me change my resolution, nor could my love for any person have induced me to give it up. Would that I had possessed strength enough, not to go in opposition to the Divine honor, as even my natural disposition disposed me, not to lose that in which (as I thought,) the honor of the world consisted, though I considered not I had really lost it in many other ways. For vainly upholding it I used all my exertions, but I took no account of the means to preserve it; however, I used great diligence and circumspection not to lose it entirely.

My father and sister were much troubled about this friendship I had formed, and they reproved me for it very often; but as they were unable to remove the occasion of her coming to the house, all their care was of no avail, for my quickness and sagacity in everything evil were very great. I sometimes am struck with the evil bad company produces: and if I had not experienced it myself, I could not have believed it; the greatest mischief arises, especially in youth, and, therefore, I wish that parents would learn experience from me, that so they may consider this point carefully. The truth is, that this conversing with the person above mentioned produced such a change in me, that there was now scarcely any sign left in me of my former good dispositions; and it seems that both she, and another also, who indulged in the same manner of amusements, impressed their character upon me. Hence it is that I now understand what a blessing good company is; and I consider it quite certain, that if, in that age, I could have conversed with virtuous persons, I should have preserved my virtue entire; and also, if then I had met with some one who could have taught me to fear God, my soul would have advanced and gained strength against falling. But afterwards, entirely losing this fear, the fear of losing my honor alone remained, and this tormented me.

But thinking that such and such things would not be known, I presumed to do many actions, both against my honor and against God. In the beginning these things did me harm—as far as I can judge; and they happened not through the fault of others, but my own fault, since afterwards my own malice was sufficient to commit evil, together with my servants, who were always ready for every kind of mischief, but if any of them had given me good advice, I should perhaps have profited by it; interest, however, blinded them, as my affections blinded me. And though I never was much inclined to evil (for I naturally abhorred dishonest actions,) yet I loved to pass my time in pleasant conversations; but being placed in the occasion of sin, the danger was near at hand, and that brought my father and brother into it. But God delivered me from this danger in such a manner, that it seems clear He wished, even against my will, to preserve me from utter destruction; though matters could not be managed so secretly but that my honor was stained thereby, and suspicions were raised in my father's mind.

After I had been living about three months in these vanities, I was taken to a certain monastery in this town, where such young persons like myself were educated, though they were not so habitually wicked as I was. This removal was done with great discretion and caution, for only myself and a relation of mine knew of it. They waited for a favorable opportunity, that so the thing might not appear strange; for as my sister was then lately married, it did not seem proper for me to be at home alone without a mother. The love which my father bore me was so great, (and so also was my dissimulation,) that he could not believe so much ill of me, and therefore I did not fall into disgrace with him. For as the time was short, though he might have heard something about me, yet what he heard could not have been said with certainty, because, as I took so much care of my honor, all my diligence was directed towards keeping things secret, while I considered not how impossible it was to keep anything from Him who seeth everything. O my God! what evil is done in the world through not considering this truth,—through not remembering that nothing can be secret which is against Thee! I think it quite certain, that great sins would be avoided if we could understand that our duty does not consist in keeping ourselves from the sight of men, but in preserving ourselves from offending God.

During the first eight days I was in the monastery I felt very unhappy, and the more so, because I suspected that my vanity was now discovered, and not so much because I was placed in the monastery. And I now began to be tired of my vanities, and to have a great fear when I offended God, and I endeavored to "confess" often. But eight days after, and I think even less, I enjoyed more quiet and comfort than ever I experienced in my father's house. All the religious were glad to be in my company; for in this respect our Lord gave me the particular favor of always pleasing persons wherever I might be, and thus I was much beloved, and though at that time I was quite opposed to my becoming a nun, yet I was glad to see in that house so many good religious, of great purity, and devotion, and recollection.

But notwithstanding all this, the devil ceased not to tempt me, and to seek persons out of the monastery to disturb me with their messages; but as there was no opportunity for them, they soon ceased: and my soul began again to accustom herself to the good impressions of my youth, and I saw how great is the favor God bestows on those whom lie leads into good company. It seems as if his Majesty had gone on considering and reconsidering, how He could bring me back again to Himself! Blessed be Thou, O Lord, who didst bear with me so long! Amen. One circumstance there was, which seems might have excused me, had I not committed so many faults, it was this: that the conversation I held was on the subject of a marriage, which seemed likely to end well. Having informed my confessor of the matter, and also many other persons, they told me I did not offend God. A religious slept where we secular ladies were, and it seems that by her means our Lord wished to enlighten me, as I shall now relate.